Knowing my luck, this is probably going to come across sounding like I am completely ungrateful for all the love and support I have been shown over the past two years. However, this is something I desperately need to get off my chest.
No matter how good your intentions are, please don’t say “I’m sorry” to me in response to any bad news in regards to Charlie and his treatment for cancer.
The problem with those two words is that they feel like you are apologising for something that is not your fault. We essentially use the words to express our sympathy for someone who has found themselves in an awful situation, especially when we don’t know what to say in response. I can freely admit that I am just as guilty as anyone when it comes to saying it. However, when it has been said to you more times than you can count, it eventually becomes a phrase you just don’t want to hear as the words bring you very little to absolutely no comfort.
When Charlie was first diagnosed with cancer, it never bothered me as it was something I expected to hear. However, after two years of hearing those words from family, friends and strangers, it began to irritate me. It made me question why we use those words to express sympathy and I have found myself not being able to respond to those words, not even with a simple “thank you”. To be honest, I am starting to think that the need for words, in situations like these, is unnecessary, no matter how much we think we need to say/hear something.
Originally, I thought it was the sympathy that I didn’t want. I mean, who wants to continuously see the sad look on people’s faces when you tell them your son has cancer? Even knowing that look from people would never go away, what I wanted was empathy, compassion, and acknowledgement that left me feeling slightly better about the crappy situation I had found myself in. However, here is the snag with that desire, most people never have and never will understand what it is like to be a parent to a child with cancer.
At this point I could say that empathy is not possible without some kind of personal understanding of the situation. For the most part, it is probably true, but we forget, even if the situations differ, that we have all felt (or will at some point) that horrible overwhelming feeling of grief. Therefore, we should all be able to empathise with some of the feelings, even if we don’t necessarily have a frame of reference for the specific situation.
Eventually I realised I didn’t mind the sympathy as it was, at least in my eyes, just another way of people showing their love and support for me. What the problem was, as I have already stated, was the fact people used the words “I’m sorry” to express that sympathy. Yes, it might be considered as way to for people to acknowledge the situation while expressing sympathy, but words can be empty. However, as the saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words”. A simple hug can be even more comforting than the words “I’m sorry”. It is our actions that truly show us who we can rely on to be there when we need comfort and support.
Basically what I am trying to ramble towards saying is, while I will always appreciate any message of sympathy, please choose your words carefully and think about how they impact the person. If things with Charlie head down a bad path again (something that is still possibility), I am not going to want to hear those two words, but instead will want a reminder to keep on smiling, to keep on living my life and enjoying whatever time we get to have our son.
Baking & Tantrums 